There’s a funny thing that’s being going on recently, which you can sum up like this:
I don’t really care anymore.
This is a pretty strange turn of events for me, because I usually care about everything – way too much – which is why I get into no end of fights, issues and craziness. But the last couple of months, I’ve been mellowing out so much, that things that used to rile me up so much are barely registering.
Am I going demented? Is it a hormonal imbalance? Or is the light of Moshiach entering the world, and getting my fight/flight/freeze/fawn stress response to finally take a step down?
Maybe all three, who knows.
But in the meantime, I’m reacting in a very new and different way to a whole bunch of things.
Like, I’m no longer obsessing over having to post something up online every day. Taking a two month break from posting, and deleting the Emunaroma blog was soooo cathartic, and so useful.
In the past, I used to force myself to write because if I didn’t get something up every single day, then I’d lose all my audience, and all my influence.
But now, I don’t care! Let that happen, so what! Which means I’m really just back to writing for love, and not for status, which is amazing.
Other things I’ve stopped caring about are owning my own home in Jerusalem (so expensive, such a drag, much easier to rent and just move if the neighbors get annoying or they start loud roadworks for two years right outside your bedroom window.)
And I’ve stopped caring about trying to find a community to belong to, because I’m realizing more and more that not belonging is giving me the freedom to be who I really am, and to do what God really wants me to do in the world.
There’s a whole long list of things I don’t care about now, but which I used to, and most of it is good, I think.
But not everything.
It’s probably not so useful that I don’t care about dishes piling up in the sink for a few days, or chasing down the dust balls that are lurking behind my doors, or restocking the pantry with staples.
Now, I never really cared about housework, it’s true, but I used to have some motivation, somewhere, that would well-up every day or two to get the house straight. These days, I’m finding that very hard to come by.
I’m still doing things, here and there, whatever is really required, but I’m completely making myself do it, just because it’s the right thing to do, and not because I feel that inner pressure to keep up with the Joneses.
I think it’s good, but I’m not sure.
Like the rest of us in 2018, fear, anger and competition have been my main motivators the last four decades, so now they’ve gone awol (mostly….), it’s a weird thing to actually be choosing to do things, as opposed to just reacting to my baser instincts.
So, I’ll keep you posted to see where all this is leading, and whether the ‘chill out’ is temporary or permanent, and whether it’s coming from profound inner exhaustion or a more fundamental shift to a different way of being.
But in the meantime, for the first time in my life, I’m almost laid-back.
And that’s pretty strange.