Probably like most of us, I am playing the waiting game at the moment, and it’s pulling my nerves and patience to shreds.
We are having huge issues with our house purchase, to the point that we may lose the house, and also a lot of money as well. Right now, things look pretty bad, but nothing has been 100% decided, so we are playing the waiting game to see if God is going to rescue us with an open miracle.
There’s nothing else we can really do.
Except to wait. And to pray. But sometimes you get so weighed down by it all that even the praying comes hard.
Sometimes, the ‘waiting’ really gets me down. Sometimes, it starts feeling like all I do is wait for things to move, or to improve, or to work, and that I can’t really carry on just sitting here waiting anymore. Yet, there doesn’t seem to be any other options on the table.
As happens so frequently in my life, hard as a I try to get things to move myself, or to try to speed things up or resolve matters, sooner or later I hit that big wall and I’m back to just waiting to see how it’s going to turn out again.
There is a lot of ‘waiting’ going on at the moment, for all of us. Waiting to see what will be with Syria, waiting to see what will be with Gaza, waiting to see what will be with all the million-and-one projects and issues that we’re all dealing with and hoping they will work out.
For this one, it’s waiting to see if the business will take off or fail. For that one, it’s waiting to see if their kid will turnaround, or continue to self-destruct, while this one is waiting for the ‘all clear’ from the hospital. That one is waiting to see if his wife will come back to him, this one is waiting to be able to buy a home and settle down, finally, that one is waiting to feel happy and excited about waking up in the morning, maybe for the first time in a long time.
Each and every one of us is playing the waiting game.
Even the kids.
I have one kid who is waiting to get her exams over and done with so she can stop feeling so stressed and pressured, and I have another one who is waiting for her skin to clear up and for Summer to come, because she hates being in school.
Over on ravberland.com, the Rav said on Rosh Chodesh Nissan that Moshiach would be coming on Seder night. A few people got upset that this didn’t happen. “False hope! Better to not get our hopes up! It’s discouraging!”
I get that, I really do. But is it really better to stop hoping, and to stop thinking about Moshiach coming? Sure, the waiting is a drag, but what’s the alternative? To sink back into lethargic depression and despair, because nothing is ever really going to change?
What makes the waiting hard is that we aren’t in control. We can’t speed things up, we can’t get the outcome we want when we want it.
So then all we are left to fall back on is our emuna that our current, difficult, circumstances are the best thing for us, and a kindness to us, even though it really doesn’t feel like that and we so desperately want things to be different.
That’s the test. That’s the hardship. That’s the challenge.
To accept that God is in charge, and that it's all for our best and 100% deserved, and to not give up and just stay in bed all day.
I’m working on that at the moment, and I have my ups and downs. One minute, I get so furious at all the ucky people out there, and all the bad and the evil in the world that’s slowing up Moshiach and causing me to suffer so much.
(Clearly, including my own bad middot and inflated expectations of how my life should be.)
The next minute, God helps me to accept circumstances better, and to just focus on the tremendous good in my life.
But it’s not a stable situation, for all it’s ‘stuck’, so I find I’m pinging all over the place some days.
Waiting for things to move, to improve, to get easier, to stop being so challenging.
Like everyone else.
But really, underneath it, God is just waiting for me to submit to His will, and to stop thinking I know better than He does.
I know when I do that, everything will turnaround for the best, somehow.
But it’s so hard to do.