All this stress - that in turn is leading to all these bad middot pouring out of the system by the thousands - are clearly a ruach, wind, or emotional state, that Hashem is sending down to the planet at the moment, as part of the ongoing refinement process of humanity.
Part of me knows that, and is reassured. The more ‘ Nibiru / Kochav Yaacov’ type things are going on out there just a tad beyond earth’s atmosphere, the more we’re all feeling the heat in just about a million different ways. It’s part of the test, it’s part of God’s plan.
Trouble is, I really don’t know if I’m passing it!
I feel I’ve been in a bad mood for two months now, and for no obvious reason because my life is objectively better and easier than it has been for years, baruch Hashem. Yet, I keep waking up before my alarm, exhausted and stressed out from….something, who knows what.
And then I go through the day feeling I’m on the back foot before I even get out of pajamas. (Which is also taking me much longer than usual. Like, six hours longer than usual.)
Again, I started to think maybe I’d got so stressed out from the craziness around Rosh Hashanah time that I’d got tripped into fight-or-flight mode again, or my own version of it which is basically fight-depressed.
That’s where the only thing that can get you off the couch is the urge to write another long screed pointing out humanity’s flaws, jointly and severally. Which is probably not so healthy, or good, for a lot of reasons.
But I’m actually not at all depressed, thank God, I just feel like something is crushing down on me and making it a little hard to breathe at the moment.
When this started two weeks’ back, I started swigging down Rescue Remedy, and I have to say it really helped for a few days. But this week’s dose of stress seems to be even bigger than Dr Bach, and I’m just sitting here wrinkling away and contorting from it all.
As always, my fall-back position was to do a six hour hitbodedut session, which God helped me sort out on Shabbat, when I woke up really annoying early again, then realised it was the perfect time to have a big chat to God about what’s going on.
I got some clarity.
I understood that my friends’ divorce is completely and utterly traumatic for me - and I’m 44, not related and don’t even live in their house. I can only imagine how awful the kids must feel.
How can anyone really claim that divorce is an easy option? It boggles the mind.
So it was useful to validate my PTSD fallout from that situation, which I really hadn’t realised had hit me so badly. Cos, well, it’s just divorce, isn’t it, and everyone is doing that these days, and what’s the big deal?!?!?
Something else my hitbodedut threw up is that my near miss buying a house in the area - which again ended in failure two weeks ago - also upset me much more than I’d realised. I hadn’t realised that I kind of got cross at Hashem for still keeping me hanging on that score, and that’s also why I’d been having a hard time really talking to Him all week.
It made me ponder how probably the single biggest reason why people don’t talk to God is because they are mad at Him, on some level or another. And usually, they don’t even know it.
The last thing I got out of my hitbodedut session was the need to start moving forward, in little ways, anyway I can right now, even though the future is so very uncertain and frankly scary.
The whole Nibiru /Kochav Yaacov thing is scary, especially if you really understand that Hashem has used large comets and ‘action at a distance’ events in the past to shake up the planet in a number of miraculous ways that completely changed nature, and the course of human history, and the fate of the Jewish people, in some hugely profound ways.
Are you really ready to go live in a desert for a year, if you have to? To move to Israel, if you don’t live here already? To live in a world completely convulsed by national disasters that make 9/11 - and even WWII - look like a complete and utter joke?
Which is why the more ‘Nibiru’ appears to be real, the less I want to discuss it in detail.
The counterbalance is to try to continue on with life as normal, and because I already made aliyah, and I’m already doing my best to make teshuva, and I figured out a whole bunch of my bad middot already, at this stage that’s the best thing for me to be doing.
So strangely, I’ve started 2-3 ‘real’ small jobs over the last couple of weeks, that don’t pay a ton, but they pay way more than I’ve been making for the last four years.
Things are changing, small and large. Hopefully all for the good. But hanging on until we get to the finish line is as challenging as it’s ever been.