Yesterday, I dropped my parents off at the airport, then drove out towards the Palmachim beach, near Rishon LeTzion. I didn’t get there in the end, because I got sidetracked by something called ‘the mouth of the stream’, which ended up being a nice walk next to a (kind of…) river.
In the UK, it would be classed more as a long puddle, but here in Israel, any body of water, no matter how shallow or stagnant or brown, is a ‘river’.
So I walked next to it, found a big tree to sit under somewhere close and pondered what’s actually going on in my life. Because the truth is, I was having a very strong ‘give up’ vibe again.
I was having that urge to delete my blog again, but this time permanently.
Because I’ve spent the last few weeks up to my neck in lashon hara and sinat chinam, as I’ve been researching the media side of things for the book, and I discovered that things are far, far worse in the orthodox blogosphere than I imagined.
I barely read Jewish blogs today, that’s the truth, except for my Breslov rabbis, and shirat devorah. The other stuff out there is usually just some form of having a go, some form of awful sinat chinam dressed up in holier-than-thou clothing, some form of arrogant and ignorant lashon hara – and clearly, I’m talking about the better sites.
And then, I realized that I’ve also been pulled into more of that than I would like recently, as a result of trying to set the record straight about the Rav and a few other things.
So as I sat under that tree yesterday, I really wondered why I’m doing all this. Anyone who really wants to know the ‘truth’ – about anything – will ask God to show them, and will get some real answers. Anyone who really doesn’t want to know the ‘truth’ – about anything – won’t.
It really is as simple as that.
The last few months, I’ve had emails from so many holier-than-thou psychos who really feel that Ha’aretz – the mouthpiece of the Meretz Party in Israel – should be believed over our holy rabbis.
I’m sick of arguing with these people. I’m sick of dealing with their breathtakingly bad middot and hypocrisy. I’m sick of all the fake ‘rabbis’ and fake ‘prophets of doom’ out there who are simply breaking hundreds of very important laws pertaining to lashon hara and onaas devarim (and millions of other things, besides) with every single Youtube video they record, or ‘message’ they pen.
But pointing all this out, and trying to battle against them, is simply just pulling me down into the same muck.
And that’s not really why I started Emunaroma.
So I sat under that tree yesterday, and the voice whispered at me quite intently: Give up! Do something else! Go back to painting, go back to trying to make stuff with your sewing machine, why do you need to spend so much of your time agonizing over all the mentally-ill orthodox Jewish psychos on the web?
So yesterday, I wrote a short post explaining all this stuff, and basically saying sayonara, at least for a while.
And then today, as I came to post it up, I found this video (in English) in my email from someone I don’t know, that actually really spoke to me. (Shirat eynayim friendly up until minute 3.36, when a couple of ladies pop up).
Don’t give up!
That’s the message.