I’ve got weird aches going on, and the biggest inner battle I’ve had for some time about the meaning of life, generally, and the meaning of my life, specifically.
I keep trying to shore the situation up with more long talking to God sessions, and they are definitely helping to lighten things up, at least for the day that I do them. But it seems there is so much ‘stuff’ coming down the spiritual pipe at the moment, and I’m in paralysed overwhelm from it all.
Today, it took me half an hour just to get out of bed. I was just lying there staring at the wall for a while, trying to muster some motivation to actually do something today.
Part of the problem is that I’m still running into the ‘reverse hishtadloos’ rule that’s been operating since I got to Israel, which states that: ‘for every action or attempt to improve her life that Rivka undertakes, there will be an equal and opposite reaction keeping her completely stuck in the same old rubbish that’s been going on for more than a decade.’
And I just can’t do it anymore!
I literally feel like there’s no point to me trying anything, or doing anything, or attempting anything, because it’s all guaranteed to end in glorious failure again.
I know, that’s terribly negative and the opposite of the ‘all emuna, all the time’ mindset. I know, I know, I know. Believe me, I know.
But also believe me that if you were standing in my shoes, you’d be feeling exactly the same right now.
On Shabbat, I was leafing through ‘Tzaddik’, which is probably still my favorite Breslov book, when I came across this conversation that Rebbe Nachman had with some of his followers:
“Uman, Friday, week of Torah reading Bechukotai….[The Rebbe] said: “We are now at the end of the Jewish People, their outer limit. This is the point where the boundary of the Jewish people ends. Everything has its end point or limit…Because of this, we need to be very careful not to stumble, God forbid.”
Last week, it was parshat Bechukotai…
And I really felt like Rebbe Nachman was talking to me, because the last two weeks I feel like that’s where I’ve got to - the outer limit of being able to continue on the way I have been. It’s not the externals that are the problem, it’s the unrelenting, gnawing feeling that I’m wasting my life away that’s driving me bonkers.
Everything seems pointless at the moment, from making supper to writing things for Emunaroma, to getting up in the morning.
Now, part of me also knows that I’m being severely affected by the ruach, or ‘solar wind’ that God is sending down to planet earth as part of the process leading up to geula and Moshiach. (I’m explaining the physics of how things like solar flares, solar storms and solar winds directly affect humanity’s mental and physical health (as proven by ‘science’) over on spiritualselfhelp at the moment.)
But really, this is just describing the spiritual ruach that God is sending down to the planet, and that is effecting each and every one of us at the moment.
So many people feel ill, physically, so many people are having big internal struggles at the moment, so many people feel lost and overwhelmed by life.
Just like me.
And while all that is going on, the world is spinning faster and faster, at least around the pivot of Jerusalem. 50 years of freedom, followed by Trump, followed by suicide bombings in Manchester, followed by Rav Berland being released home yesterday, followed by….who knows what?
But the headlines following Trump’s visits made me pretty nervous. Whenever someone is going all out to claim ‘We will NEVER divide Jerusalem’; and ‘We will ALWAYS support Israel’ - my B.S.-ometer starts clanging away and wondering why someone who really isn’t considering doing those things has to state it so publically and emphatically.
So what’s the answer?
I don’t know.
I’d quite like to run away for a while, and just go sit and paint in a log cabin somewhere up North, to shut out ‘real life’ and my ongoing failures at managing it, for a while. But, Shavuot is coming up… and my family is running out of smalls… and if I don’t wash up, NO-ONE is going to wash up…
So I’m staying put.
Rav Kook said many months ago that the redemption of the Jewish people is linked to everything that’s going on with Rav Berland.
The Rav is now back home.
It’s anyone’s guess what’s going to happen next, but I can’t shake the feeling that we’ve reached the ‘outer limit’ of the Jewish people.