You should know, I've been working on a book for the last 6 months, and I'd nearly finished the first draft – 85,000 words worth of writing and effort. Now, it could be that the pc doctor up the road will be able to retrieve all that for me, but somehow, I think not.
Yesterday, I did a long hitbodedut session that focussed-in on asking G-d to help me make a new start, and to leave all the rubbish from the last few years' behind. I felt so much happier when I was done, like I was finally leaving the long, hard Winter behind me, spiritually, and walking in to Spring.
I've learnt so much, I've grown so much, I've gone through so much – but if I really want a new start, I have to be prepared to leave the old me behind, even though I've worked so much on her.
I think that's why G-d seems to have killed my book, and my old computer.
They were still outgrowths of the old 'me', and He is giving me the chance to genuinely start from scratch, with just the good stuff.
I was thinking that losing my book at this stage would be quite upsetting, but bizarrely, I'm even feeling a bit happy about it. (Although clearly, that might just be another sign I'm losing my marbles...)
Yesterday, I was thinking how much I want to leave 'serious' and 'foreboding' and 'judgemental' and 'harsh' behind me now, and just start telling people just how much G-d loves them; us; me; everyone. You know when you just have that really strong yearning for something to change, switch, transform inside?
I had it yesterday. I had a vision of trying to connect people back to themselves, and their souls and G-d the sweetest way possible, helping them to see, practically, how even very difficult things like illnesses are actually just loving messages from G-d. Work out the message, and the pain, the illness can and usually does miraculously disappear.
Once you know G-d loves you, 'miraculous cures' aren't just possible, they're common-place. So that's what I really wanted to do. But at the same time, I had this monumental book to finish, that was going to explain in detail why so many people are feeling so miserable and depressed these days. But it was a book from the old days, the old 'me', the old way of seeing things very clearly, but also in a very harsh, unforgiving light.
And it seems G-d doesn't want that any more.
So welcome to my clean slate, dear reader. I've quit writing for www.breslev.co.il now, to concentrate more on this blog, so expect to see more posts, more frequently. I know that in real time we're just heading into Winter, but spiritually, I really feel that Spring, with its renewed life, renewed hope and promise of redemption is already here. So however dark and bleak it is by you at the moment, hang on. Dawn is almost here.