I have a long, very honest piece I want to share with you called 'Questions for God', which I've tried to upload three times already - and Weebly just isn't let me load it!
Now, that could be because it shouldn't be going up and God is sending me a message that way, or it could be because it actually could help a lot of people to relate to some of their emuna difficulties and challenges in a more compassionate, useful way, and the yetzer hara is throwing a spanner in the works to stop it getting out.
Unusually for me, I had my husband read it over and asked him whether it should go up (because it's pretty personal, and is describing a number of my ongoing, internal spiritual challenges.) Unusually for him, he had absolutely no qualms about it going up (and believe me, that is also very strange...)
So I'm leaning towards the second explanation. Once I've finished typing this, I'm going to try and upload it again. If nothing appears - it will be because God has decided otherwise. If it does show up, I hope it helps you in some way to acknowledge your own grief, disappointments and difficult questions.
If I've learnt one thing over the last few years, it's that God can take our questions. We don't need to pretend that everything is fine 24/7, or that we don't feel overwhelmed, at least occasionally, by our heartache and pain. Feeling sad doesn't make us evil people who have no emuna.
Feeling sad makes us human.
That's not a place to stop in forever, or to hang out at permanently, but being real with God, and acknowledging our true feelings even when they're not 'positive, upbeat and 100% emuna-dik' is actually the best thing we could possibly do for ourselves, and our souls.
A lot of people like to pretend that 'all emuna, all the time' is the only genuine path to spiritual growth and happiness. But that's simply not true, and it leads to a situation where people get trapped in their negative emotions, scared to honestly express them even to God, in case that means they 'don't have emuna'. God already knows what we're feeling! He sent us our negative emotions to get us to look at something that needs to change or transform in our life. If we just stick a plastic smile on our face and try to pretend that we're never sad, lonely or despairing, then we're completely missing the point.
Rebbe Nachman taught us that 23 hours of the day, we should be happy. But the 24th? That we should spend in personal prayer, and in honest conversation with our Creator, telling Him everything that's going on in our heart and souls, and about all our secret heartaches and questions.
So with that preamble out the way, let's see if Weebly is going to let me upload my piece.